


Trying to pretend

by Imnotweirdjustwriting



Category: Newsies (1992), Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Minor Breakdowns, Projecting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-11-18 19:01:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11296839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Imnotweirdjustwriting/pseuds/Imnotweirdjustwriting
Summary: Crutchie talks Jack through a bad nightAKA major projecting on my part





	Trying to pretend

**Author's Note:**

> The title is lowkey a reference to 'Welcome Home (Reprise)' from Bandstand 
> 
> Warning: this is literally just my tears with poor_guys_headisspinning pasted into a fic. 
> 
> Texts are formatted in 'these things'

Jack went to bed at a reasonable hour. He was exhausted from the long day and he only wanted to sleep. It didn't seem to work though. He was texting Katherine, laughing as she teased him about how emotional he was. 

Jack opened a text message to Crutchie. 'How can I self loathe now when Katherine Plumber exists?' 

It was meant to be a joke. It didn't hit that way. Jack felt his self control crumble immediately. Tears pricked in his eyes suddenly. He was being pathetic. 

He grabbed his phone to text Crutchie again. 'Never mind I sure can.'

Crutchie responded right away. 'Oh no.' He said then quickly followed it with 'Don't cry.'

Jack laughed helplessly. He was already crying. 'No too late.'

'Why are you crying' Crutchie texted. Jack knew he wanted an actual answer. He didn't have one. 

'I'm sad'

'Why' Crutchie said, so simply. 

Again Jack didn't have an answer. 'I don't know'

'That's okay' Crutchie started. He texted again. 'Can I do anything to make you less sad'

Jack felt his tears pick up. He wasn't used to people caring this most. He only let Crutchie see him like this. He just didn't know what to do. 

'I don't know' he answered again. Crutchie had his own things to worry about. Jack didn't need to be bugging him. 'I don't want you to feel stressed out'. Crutchie didn't start typing. Jack figured he was waiting for an actual answer. 'I'm really just numbly sad I don't want to do much of anything'

'I don't feel stressed' Crutchie responded to his first text. 'That's okay'

Jack didn't think it was okay. Crutchie needed more of an explanation. Jack couldn't give him one. He didn't feel entirely real. The tears on his face didn't really touch him. They were just falling. 

'Like Im crying but I'm not putting any effort into it' Jack started, then clarified 'It's just happening'. 

'That's okay' Crutchie reassured him. 'You don't have to put in any effort'

Jack laid back on his pillow, his phone over his face. It was too loud, but he couldn't handle the thought of putting ear buds in. 

'I can't listen to music' he told Crutchie, slightly panicked. Music worked best to calm him down. 'I don't know what to do' he prayed Crutchie had an answer. 

'Read?' He suggested. 

Normally Jack would read. He kept a stack of books next to his bed for nights when he couldn't sleep. But not tonight. 'I can't think of anything' Crutchie didn't offer anymore suggestions. Jack took a moment to collect himself. He didn't feel completely real at all now. The feeling of his blankets over his legs weren't his feelings. 'This is not a fun numb'

Crutchie was typing again. 'Can you sleep?'

'No not really' Jack answered right away. The idea of closing his eyes and succumbing to the feeling was too much. He didn't want time to pass that quickly. He changed the subject instead. 'How are you' he asked. He knew Crutchie had had a rough night the night before. It usually calmed Jack down, helping his friends. 'Are you feeling better?'

'Than yesterday? Yeah.'

Jack managed to smile at his phone for just a moment. He wasn't crying anymore. This was working. 'Thank god that's really good' he said, completely sincerely. 

'Yeah' Crutchie answered. 

Jack wondered if he didn't want to talk about this. He changed the subject back to how he was feeling, partially because he was desperate for Crutchie to help. 'I'm numb enough that I need to touch something but also touch isn't a good idea so I'm just laying really really really still' Crutchie knew sometimes it was too much. He couldn't handle touching anything, a horrible feeling for Jack who was usually so tactile. 

'Okay' Crutchie said again. 'Be gentle don't push yourself' Crutchie was right. 

Jack couldn't feel anything other than numbness. 'I know I can't be anything else'

'Good' Crutchie knew numb Jack was better than self destructive Jack, and he knew how thin the line was. Jack thought he was too stuck right now. 

He wanted to listen to music. He could only remember parts of songs, All harsh harmonies. Usually they calmed him down but now it was hurting his head. 

'I have harmonies stuck in my head' he told Crutchie, with no explanation. 

'Is that good'

'I don't enjoy it very much' Jack considered how it sounded. 'It's humming' loud, horrible, insistant humming. 

'Can you stop it?' Crutchie asked, actually using a question mark this time. Jack laughed for some reason. 

He still didn't think he could deal with ear buds. 'Can't listen to something else' he said, only partially true. He couldn't touch himself right now. The thought made it worse right away. 

He pulled his blanket higher on his chest, attempting to drown out the sudden wave of panic. 

It was a mistake. The blanket felt like it was constricting him. He kicked it off, his breath picking up. 

'Woah Jack calm down it's a blanket' he half joked to Crutchie. He was trying to stop panicking.

Crutchie understood right away, trying to calm Jack down before it got bad. 'You're fine' he assured him. 

He was wrong. 

Everything was very suddenly too much. 

'Oh fuck that got bad quickly' Jack's hands started shaking, badly. 'Holy hell shit fuck I forgot it could be this bad'

He pulled his pillows out from under his head, pushing them onto the floor. His blankets were bunched at the end of the bed. 

'You're okay don't touch the blanket' Crutchie was trying his best. 

'I know it pushed it off but I'm still shaking' 

Jack laid flat on his back, his arms at his sides, not touching himself. It was still too much. He almost tore his shirt getting out of it, balling it up into a sort of pillow. 

'Shirts??? In this economy????????' He joked to Crutchie. 

'Just be careful' Crutchie said back. He had to know how bad it was. Jack didn't take his shirt off unless he had to. The feeling was still too much. 

'I'm still numb I'm just shaking really hard' he said, partially true. He wasn't that numb anymore. He couldn't stop rubbing his hand over his arm, over the most faded scar there he tried to ignore.   
He curled on his side, his head on his shirt, his knees pulled up to his bare chest. He could stop brushing his hair away from his face. 

He was shaking. Badly. He tried to stay still, his hands anchored in his hair. It wasn't working. 

'It's pathetic' he told Crutchie. It was him. He was pathetic. He didn't have to be like this but he was. 

'It isn't I'm sure' Crutchie was just trying to help. 

'I don't know' Jack admitted. He wasn't sure what was okay anymore. 

'That's fine' don't blame yourself. That's what Jack knew Crutchie was trying to say. He couldn't really believe it. 

'Sleeping? In this exonontvvv' Jack joked. His hands were shaking too hard to type economy. He sent the message anyways, desperate to relieve some tension. 

'Sleep please' Crutchie was right. Jack should sleep. 

The idea still terrified him. 'No sorry'

Jack exhaled hard. 'Shaking is back" he told Crutchie. 

He rolled onto his back again. He fixed his roller up pants, smoothing the legs back to cover his legs completely. He couldn't deal with bare skin touching skin right now. 

There weren't many ways Jack could coax himself down from this. 

He gripped his ribcage with his hands, his fingertips digging in just a little bit too much. He focused on breathing, his hands rising and falling with his chest. 

His phone lit up. 'It will only make it worse' Crutchie warned. 

Jack let go of his sides. 'False it made me stop shaking'

'Just don't do too much' it was like Crutchie knew how far Jack was trying to push himself. 

'Eh' he said, a little bit too out of it to care. 

'I care about you' Crutchie said. 

Jack could feel his throat getting right. 'I know I'm alright' he lied. He didn't need Crutchie to tell him this anymore. He could handle this. 

'Promise?'

'I won't hurt myself if that's what you're asking.' Jack regretted it right away. He didn't need to tell Crutchie that. He had his own things to worry about. He didn't need to worry about Jack hurting himself.

'No I know' Crutchie said. Jack closed his eyes for a moment, relieved. Crutchie believed him. He was okay. 'I want you to not be sad'. 

Jack wiped at the single tear that was trying to escape. Crutchie cared about him, he didn't need to cry about it. 'Tell me it starts getting bad'

'It's okay I stopped' Jack said. He didn't touch his ribs. 'I don't want to feel anymore' he wasn't sure if he meant emotionally or physically. Both, probably. 

'Okay' Crutchie was firm in his belief in Jack. 'Try to sleep'

'I know I can't' Jack said immediately. He knew he needed to sleep, he just couldn't. He was still too scared. 

'Okay' Crutchie said, short and very To the point. 

Jack panicked. He didn't want Crutchie upset. 'I'm sorry' he said. He regretted that one right away too. Crutchie wasn't mad at him. Jack was just trying to guilt him now. 'Shit stop' he said, mostly to himself. Entirely to himself. 

'You're fine there's nothing to be sorry for' Crutchie said. Jack didn't know if he was supposed to believe him or not. 

'My chest hurts' he said instead. It was tight, both from fear and trying not to cry. 'I'm sorry I can't handle myself' he added. He didn't need to be stressing Crutchie out every time he had a little problem. 

'You're okay don't worry about it'

'I do' Jack said. He worried so much. 

'You don't have to' Crutchie wasn't getting it. Jack was taking advantage of his kindness. 

'It's selfish' he pointed out. 

'It's not' Crutchie responded. 

Jack cringed. He didn't know what to say. He couldn't think of anything but I'm sorry. 'I'm trying not to apologize' he told Crutchie. 

'You can apologize if it makes you feel better'

'I'm sorry' Jack sent immediately. The weight in his chest lessened considerable. 'Thank you' he said, meaning it completely. 

'It's no problem' Crutchie said, humoring him at least for now. 

'Thank you' Jack said again. 'It helped'. It really did. He needed Crutchie to know that. 'I think I'm done shaking' he didn't need Crutchie anymore. He needed Crutchie to rest. 'Are you going to sleep?' He asked. 

'Soon' Crutchie answered, ignoring Jack's other texts. Jack was still extremely grateful. 

'That's good. You need to rest.' Jack knew Crutchie needed sleep. He needed to rest after yesterday. 

'You do too' Crutchie pointed out. 'You don't have to force yourself but it would be good if you slept soon'

Jack scrubbed a hand over his face. 'I'm trying' he admitted. He really did want to sleep. He just couldn't. He found his ear buds, turning on his Mood playlist. Maybe ot would calm him down now. 

'I'm happy that you're trying thank you' Crutchie said. Jack knew he had no reason to be thanking him. He wished Crutchie could take it back. He was the one who was helping Jack. Jack was just bothering him. 

'I love you more than I can type' he texted. He meant that the most. Crutchie talking to him was extremely helpful. He could calm Jack down. 

'That's really sweet' Crurchie said. 'I love you just as much'

Jack knew that wasn't really possible. 'I'm trying with words but I still can't figure it out'

'You don't have to figure it out' Crutchie promised. 

'Thank you' Jack said again. His music was helping to drown everything else out. The songs were sad but he didn't really care. 

'It's no problem' Crutchie said. 

Jack didn't want to keep him up' You should go to sleep now.'

'I've got like 7 minutes left of this video then I will'

Jack hadn't realized Crutchie was watching something. He hoped he didn't disturb it too much. He figured he probably did. 

'That's okay. Just make sure you rest.' Jack calmed down when his friends were calm. He needed to make sure Crutchie was going to be okay.

'I will' Crutchie promised. 

'Because you need to sleep it will make you feel better.' Jack never wanted Crutchie to feel like he had yesterday. He would do anything to keep Crutchie happy. 

'I know' Crutchie said. Jack knew he knew, but he still needed to remind people. 'Thank you for caring' 

'I think I need to project' Jack said. He would draw, or write, or something till he felt better, till these emotions were gone. 

'I don't think you do' Jack could practically hear Crutchie's tone. 

'I think projecting will be bad'. 

'I don't think I can feel enough for it to be' Jack said, the clarified. 'Because I can breathe now and that's why' he calmed down when he let the emotions out. 

'Okay just be really gentle' Crutchie was letting him do this. 'Promise it won't get bad'

'I won't' he promised. 'It's just this' Jack didn't even know what this was. He just knew he could calm down. 

'Okay just be careful' Crutchie seemed worried again. 

Jack made sure he wasn't worried. 'I will be.' He needed to thank Crutchie again, show him how much he appreciated his help. 'Thank you'

'Okay please be safe I love you so much I think I'm going to sleep now' Crutchie said. He kept texting. 'But don't hesitate to text me if things get too much I'll try to help if I'm still awake'

Jack felt a little bit of joy. Crutchie cared too much about him. Crutchie was there for him. 

'It's okay I can get a shirt on I'm in the clear' he lied. 'Thank you. Sleep well' 

'That's good!' Jack felt guilt seize him. 'Goodnight I love you so much' Crutchie said. 

'I love you as well' Jack needed Crutchie to know that. 

Crutchie stopped responding. Jack needed to put his shirt back on, he didn't like lying to Crutchie. 

He pulled it over his head, leaving the sleeves out. He shook a little bit at the feeling but forced himself to put his shirt on. He could do this. Crutchie helped him. Crutchie would be proud of him. He got the shirt on fully and started pulling his blankets and pillows off the ground. He was going to sleep normally. He was going to be okay. 

He wasn't. He pushed too far. 

'It's getting worse again I don't know what to do' he texted Crutchie in a sudden rush of panic. 

'Sleep' Crutchie suggested. 

'You need to sleep' Jack pointed out. He had expected Crutchie to be asleep already. 

'You do too' damn Crutchie and his simple logic. 

'I know I will later but you should now' Crutchie needed more sleep than he did. 

'You should now too' Crutchie was straightforward and direct in coaxing Jack to sleep. 

'I can't yet I'm getting there' Jack was almost telling the truth. He thought maybe he could sleep now, if he tried hard enough. 

'Okay good I'm glad' Crutchie was still being kind. 

'Im almost done' Jack was referring to the no touching thing. 

'That's really good' Crutchie said, somehow sincere over text. 

'Thank you.' Jack needed to thank Crutchie more. 'You helped a lot today I can't thank you enough.'

'I love you I can't express it enough.' 

'I can't either' Jack agreed. He didn't deserve Crutchie.

'I'm really glad that I helped you today that's good that I was able to help'

Jack wished Crutchie knew that he always helped. Anything from him was enough. 'You always are today was just a pretty bad one' I just don't want to bug you, Jack wanted to say. 

'Thank you for letting me help you' Crutchie said. Jack was glad he wasn't upset. He didn't want Crutchie to stress himself out trying to deal with Jack. 

'Thank you for being there.'

'I'll always be there' Crutchie said. 'I promise.'

Jack felt a tear prick his eyes again. He didn't want to cry about Crutchie now. He was too much. 

Crutchie sent one more text. 'Okay Im going to bed now so goodnight, I'll talk to you tomorrow, I love you so much don't you ever forget that.'

Jack could only manage a 'goodbye'. 

He put his phone down, closing his eyes. His music was drowning everything else out. Crutchie had helped him. He was okay. Crutchie would always be there for him. 

He finally let his eyes shut, drifting off into a restful sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Want more Jack ripping his shirt off!? Read my friend poor_guys_headisspinning's fic Now I'm Learning What is True. It's marvelous. 
> 
> I had a bad night I apologize if this is really weird? It was just to get the emotions out and down. 
> 
> Also it's 2:27 am if I made some awful typos or something please tell me 
> 
> Also this got a little gay I just love my friends.


End file.
